


Quacks: Old Medicine for the Modern Age

by drowninglovers



Category: The Terror (TV 2018)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Multimedia, Podcast, Screenplay/Script Format, Twitter, deeply unsexy mentions of dicks in purely medical contexts, goodsilna is mlm/wlw solidarity bc they're both bi thanks for coming 2 my tedtalk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2020-11-27 08:42:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20945513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drowninglovers/pseuds/drowninglovers
Summary: or: the one where Harry & Silna have a podcast that's not quiteSawbonesEDIT 28/4/2020:now with a sequel!





	1. Quacks: Old Medicine for the Modern Age

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **SILNA: ** wash your [bleep] hands.
> 
> **HARRY: ** wash your [bleep] hands!

**EPISODE 1 - ** ** _AVAST ME HEARTIES_ **

**HARRY GOODSIR:** hello! I’m Dr. Goodsir!

**SILNA GOODSIR**: and I’m also Dr. Goodsir...is that the opening we’re going with? Are we going to stick with that?

**HARRY:** I like it, I think it’s fun.

**SILNA:** I like it too, I just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page. We should probably cut this.

_ [INTRO MUSIC PLAYS] _

**SILNA:** Anyway. I’m Silna, that’s Harry, and this is _ Quacks: Old Medicine for the Modern Age_.

**HARRY:** that was very smooth, good job!

**SILNA:** thank you very much.

**HARRY:** should we...explain who we are so our listeners don’t think we’re two random people giving outdated medical advice?

**SILNA:** that would probably be smart, yes. Well, I’m a general physician, so I am actuallyqualified to give out medical advice.

**HARRY:** and I’m a medical historian, and biologist, though my background is in anatomy.

**SILNA:** he has two and a half PhDs and a lot of interests. 

**HARRY:** there’s a lot in the world to be interested in! Anyway, this is going to be a medical history podcast. Each episode I’ll introduce a strange medical practice or case and Silna is going to tell you why it’s absolute hogwash and how to actually take care of yourself. 

**SILNA:** speaking of which, If you’re listening to this podcast and you can’t remember the last time you washed your hands, you are legally obligated to pause and wash them before you can press play.

**HARRY:** so we’re going to be talking about scurvy today.

**SILNA:** that was a jarring subject change.

**HARRY:** I wasn’t sure how to bring it up.

**SILNA:** you tried. Tell me about scurvy. 

**HARRY:** before I get into the finer details, you need to know that during the Age of Sail it was commonly accepted that half of the sailors on any given ship would die of scurvy.

**SILNA:** oh my _ god_. Just eat an orange. 

🦴🦴🦴

** _THE JAMES AND DUNDY CAST - EPISODE 271_ **

**HENRY THOMAS DUNDAS LE VESCONTE:** what do you want to recommend this week? What should people put in their earholes?

**JAMES FITZJAMES:** I will pay you to never say earholes again.

**DUNDY:** I make no promises. Anyway my recommendation is-

**JAMES:** I thought it was my turn!

**DUNDY:** you took too long. Anyway, my podcast recommendation for this week is _Spirits_ which is a boozy mythology podcast.

**JAMES:** interesting...

**DUNDY:** there's quite an extensive back catalogue for your listening pleasure, and you don't need to listen in order to enjoy. It's very fun, I like the episode on sharks in particular.

**JAMES:** but- sharks are _real._

**DUNDY:** are they?

**JAMES:** yes! Sharks are quantifiably real!

**DUNDY: **guess you'll just have to listen to the episode to get your answers then. What are you recommending?

**JAMES:** there’s a podcast that’s just getting started called _Quacks _and yes I am friends with one of the hosts so I’m biased, but honestly? It’s fantastic. It’s a medical history podcast and even if you don’t like medicine or history I can almost guarantee you’ll still enjoy it. At the moment there are only three episodes but that means you'll have time to really camp out and say that you were there from the beginning.

**DUNDY: **do you enjoy it, as someone who's nearly died more times than he can count?

**JAMES:** it makes me feel better about myself, yes.

**DUNDY:** if they do an episode on malaria you should ask to guest star since you...you know.

**JAMES:** nearly died of malaria?

**DUNDY:** yes.

🦴🦴🦴

**EPISODE 5 - ** ** _TOOTH HURTY_ **

**HARRY:** imagine being a regular 19th-century Pennsylvanian living next to this man who has recently started running around his yard like a rabid dog and hitting his head against the ground. I fear I'd assume the worst. Then you see him again a week later and he tells you that oh he’s feeling much better now, all it took was his tooth _ exploding in his mouth. _How....how do you even react to that?

**SILNA:** how do you start that conversation? I mean, I don’t know how close houses in 19th century Pennsylvania were, but I assume that they’d be fairly close, and that the sound of the tooth exploding would have been quite loud. Just go up to your neighbour all ‘hey Jeff’- wait what was his name?

**HARRY:** The Reverend ‘DA’ is all we have

**SILNA:** ‘hello Reverend, you’ve, uh, been acting a little strange as of late, and I heard...a gunshot or something that sounded like one coming from your house the other day. Are you alright?' and he looks you dead in the eye and says 'yeah, my tooth exploded but I'm fine now'. 

**HARRY:** and that wasn't even the only case of exploding teeth! 

**SILNA:** excuse me? 

**HARRY:** there were three more cases around the same time and area, but it hasn't happened since the 1920s. There still isn't an agreed-upon explanation for why it was happening. 

**SILNA:** I think that if I learned that my neighbour went berserk before his tooth blew up in his mouth….I think I'd move. I'd pack up and leave. No more exploding teeth for me. 

🦴🦴🦴

> **Harry D.S. Goodsir** @GoodsirPhD  
Me, lightly touching Tuunbaq with the side of my foot: Tuunbaq move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you  
Tuunbaq, his eyes enormous: you KICK Tuunbaq? You kick his body like the football? Oh! Oh! Jail for pàpà! Jail for pàpà for One Thousand Years!!!! 

🦴🦴🦴

** _EPISODE 17 - KNIFE TO MEET YOU_ **

**HARRY:** up until his death, Cummings would complain of stomach cramps, vomiting, and general pain while sitting or standing. His party trick was killing him —

**SILNA:** you don't say.

**HARRY:** at least one doctor didn't believe him when he said he swallowed knives. And, while believing your patients is a good baseline, I can understand a little skepticism in this case. John Cummings died in March of 1809. He was extremely emaciated and had been discharged from the Navy two years prior, being unfit for duty. In the end, he swallowed thirty-five knives. Do you want to guess what they found during the necropsy? 

**SILNA:** I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was knives. 

**HARRY:** it was, in fact, thirty to forty knife fragments. 

**SILNA:** _No wonder you were getting stomach pains, you fool! _

**HARRY:** a spring from one of them was piercing his colon. 

**SILNA:** oh my god.

**HARRY:** the image of cutting open someone’s body and finding it filled with corroded knives is...horrifying. 

**SILNA:** the answer to the question “how many knives can you swallow?” should _ never _ be “all the knives on the ship”. 

**HARRY:** the answer should be “none because swallowing knives is incredibly dangerous and also not smart”. 

🦴🦴🦴

> **i have glass bones & paper skin ** @jartnell  
started listening to @quackspod and now i can’t stop saying imagine! before telling literally anyone anything
> 
> |
> 
> **i have glass bones & paper skin ** @jartnell  
“I got 8 hours of sleep last night, imagine!” “there was a wiener dog in a tutu on the train, imagine!” “doctors used to prescribe cigarettes as an asthma treatment, I M A G I N E” 
> 
> |
> 
> **Quacks Podcast! ** @quackspod  
@jartnell this is exactly the type of fan response we dreamed of (also please say you took pictures of the wiener dog in a tutu)
> 
> |
> 
> **i have glass bones & paper skin** @jartnell  
@quackspod I DID
> 
> _ [image description: a chubby brown dachshund in a bright yellow tutu snoozing on a train seat] _

🦴🦴🦴

** _EPISODE 25 - THE RABIES THING_ **

**SILNA:** it's a very special episode today! Not only are we 25 episodes in which, thank you for sticking with us, but it's also our first listener request episode. 

**HARRY:** we're shaking things up a little bit this time. Today, Silna will be the one introducing a case and I'll listen on in despair. 

**SILNA:** this email showed up in our inbox immediately after we recorded last week's episode and, since reading it, I have not known peace. Every moment of my life, waking or sleeping has been devoted to thinking about this email. 

**HARRY:** for the record, I know nothing about this and have not seen the original email. Silna forwarded it to herself then deleted it from the _Quacks_ inbox so I could never see it. 

**SILNA:** it's topical! It's current! It's absolutely, and I do not say this lightly, hog-wild. Thank you so much, listener Hodge, for sending this gem, titled 'the rabies thing'. 

**HARRY:** oh dear. What, pray tell, is 'the rabies thing'? 

**SILNA:** well, you see, teens on Tumblr are really into rabies at the moment. It's the hot new meme. Only, for some users, it isn't just a meme

**HARRY:** [softly] _ no_. 

**SILNA:** people are trying to get rabies. That's the rabies thing. 

**HARRY**: _why!_

🦴🦴🦴

**RACHEL CARSON, MARY OLIVER, AND OTHER INSPIRATIONS FOR ASPIRING ENVIRONMENTALISTS**

By Harry Goodsir

> _ I was 14 the summer I discovered Rachel Carson. A temperate, damp Edinburgh summer that rendered me ill for most of it — too many days spent out in the rain, against my mother’s better judgement — and left my days open for monotony. That previous April I picked up a copy of Carson’s _The Sea Around Us_ at a charity shop but had not yet cracked the spine. It was a 1951 first edition, appropriately waterlogged and adored, faded pencil annotations wrapping around Carson’s prose, filling in the gaps. It had been raining for two days, and I’d been trapped in bed for three when I finally flipped open the cover and read that immortal opening line “Beginnings are apt to be shadowy, and so it is with the beginnings of that great mother of life, the sea.” After two more pages, I knew I was a goner. _

Read full article → 

🦴🦴🦴

** _EPISODE 38 - BURN BABY (HEART)BURN_ **

**HARRY: **we’ve amassed quite a lot of iTunes reviews. More than I expected in all honesty.

**SILNA:** we expected, like, three maximum. Three reviews and two of them are telling us we’re annoying. 

**HARRY:** instead there are...15….16! 16 reviews! And most of them are nice.

**SILNA:** except for “Chas” who used their iTunes review to call me a slur and say that our voices are annoying. 

**HARRY:** go to hell, Chas.

**SILNA: ** anyway, Kit says “_Quacks_ invented the concept of podcasting” which is very sweet, they also want to know “where the spinoff podcast about mollusks and sea slugs is”. 

**HARRY:** that's very kind of you to say but please don’t tempt me with a sea slug podcast. It'd be way too self-indulgent. Uh, this review from Henry says “I really enjoy this podcast but accidentally fell asleep listening to your episode on the plague but my phone kept playing so I woke up halfway through the tapeworm episode and had very upsetting dreams for a week”.

**SILNA:** Henry I am _so_ sorry.

**HARRY:** if it makes you feel better, Henry, I also had upsetting dreams for a week after researching tapeworms, so we’re even.

**SILNA:** we also get a lot of reviews from actual doctors - both varieties - which is fun. Most of the time they’re very kind but we did get one from a Dr. Stanley. Do you want to read it?

**HARRY:** I think you should have the honour.

**SILNA:** _ahem_, “while the information presented is factually sound, it is delivered in a format so marred by over-planned jokes and bits that the medical history is nearly unintelligible”. Doctor Stanley, I take offence to the implication that I plan my jokes in advance. They are 100% on the fly and_that's_ why they’re terrible.

**HARRY:** the next part of this review is my favourite: “on occasion, the show will take a sharp nosedive into overwhelming sentimentality to the point where it feels like the listener is being held captive at an overlong wedding reception”.

**SILNA:** _oof._

**HARRY:** has anyone ever invited you to a wedding, Dr. Stanley?

**SILNA:** get him!

🦴🦴🦴

> **Silna “nearly unintelligible” Goodsir** @GoodsirMD  
A TRUE TRAGEDY that this review was posted AFTER we recorded the last episode and didn’t get to read it live on air. Thank you, DJ, for the ONLY testimonial I am ever going to use:  
_[Image description: a five star iTunes review by DJ reading ‘A DELIGHT! - I wasn't sure this would be my thing but Quacks is a goddamn delight and also an unexpected bisexual thirst trap.]_
> 
> **Quacks Podcast!   
** @quackspod  
Medical history retold by @GoodsirPhD & @GoodsirMD. “Nearly unintelligible” and prone to “overwhelming sentimentality”. “An unexpected bisexual thirst trap”. Updates Thursdays.

🦴🦴🦴

** _EPISODE 41 - VACCINES: ALL THEY'RE QUACKED UP TO BE! _ **

**SILNA:** hey, hey white people. Yeah, you white people listening to this podcast right now. I'm going to get real close to the mic right now because I have something important to say. I'm getting _ reeeally _ close like I'm right there in your ear, like I live in your brain. It'll be like ASMR. You like that, right? Okay. [lips on mic] **vaccinate your children! **

**HARRY:** please vaccinate your children. It makes the world a safer place and you won't lose your three-year-old to scarlet fever. 

**SILNA:** [lips still on mic] vaccines do not, I repeat do not cause autism and even if they did there's nothing wrong with being autistic. 

**HARRY:** if you'd rather have a dead child than an autistic child, you are a despicable human being.

**SILNA:** vaccines also will not make your children gay or trans. 

**HARRY:** Again if you refuse to vaccine your kids because you're scared they're going to end up anything other than straight and cis, then you're horrible and shouldn't have children. 

**SILNA:** if you think that crystals or energy or other homeopathic medicine can fight polio then….I'm sorry but you're wrong. 

**HARRY:** the only, I repeat _only, _thing that will prevent you from getting polio is the vaccine against polio. 

**SILNA:** you can still have your crystals and your natural medicine as long as you also vaccinate your kids. But please believe me when I say…what's a crystal? Give me the name of a crystal, please. 

**HARRY:** Malachite. 

**SILNA:** excellent, thank you. The malachite pendant you got from Etsy will not do anything to prevent your kids from dying of easily preventable diseases. Congratulations, little Johnny's died of consumption. 

**HARRY:** poor little Johnny. Although, I don’t think the people who are refusing to vaccinate their kids are naming them things like ‘Johnny’ now. They’re all naming their kids ‘MacKayleigh’ now.

**SILNA:** right, of course. I’d better get with the times. Hello, I am an anti-vaxxer and these are my three children: Jaxxton, Kale, & War Crimes. 

**HARRY:** oh my _god_. Do you know what my favourite anti-vax argument is? 

**SILNA:** tell me?

**HARRY:** when people say that, historically, we've survived without vaccines. Do you know what happened when people contracted cholera during epidemics? They **died**. Oh "we survived whooping cough before vaccines", actually, thousands of people didn't. Diseases like typhoid and meningitis were death sentences to countless people throughout history, and continue to be so today across the world. It is our duty as historians and practitioners of medicine to help as many people as we can. And, it is our duty as human beings to keep each other safe. History does not move backwards; science does not move backwards. It is irresponsible and selfish to avoid vaccinating your children or yourself against easily preventable diseases you think you can beat through positive thought. Disease does not care about who you are, and being anti-vax puts everyone around you at risk. It is disrespectful to the memory of everyone who died of a disease that you, in your lifetime, will hopefully never have to spare a second thought for, to risk infection. Easily preventable does not mean easily treatable.

**SILNA:** that was extraordinary. Did you write that beforehand? 

**HARRY:** I did not, I just really needed to let listeners know where I stand on the matter. 

**SILNA:** well, now they obviously do. 

**HARRY:** I hate that line of thinking so much. 

**SILNA:** me too. I hate the hubris ingrained into it. [conservative old person voice] kids today are too soft, grow up and die of typhus like the rest of us! 

**HARRY:** [similar voice] you millennials with your avocado toast and your vaccines, back in my day we just died! 

**SILNA:** contracting encephalitis to own the libs. [Pause, clamouring in the background, paws on wood] Tuunbaq, do you have anything to say to our listeners about vaccines? 

**TUUNBAQ:** [hisses, whines] 

**HARRY:** you heard it here folks. Vaccines are Tuunbaq-approved. 

🦴🦴🦴

**_17 PODCASTS FOR WHEN YOU'RE DISILLUSIONED WITH HUMANITY _**

> **#11:****_ Quacks: Old Medicine for the Modern Age  
_** **What? **A medical historian and a general physician discuss strange medical practices throughout history (and some from the present day)   
**When?** Every Thursday   
**How long?** About 45 minutes  
Co-hosted by Drs. Silna and Harry Goodsir (she has an MD, he has ‘two and a half’ PhDs); _Quacks_ is a fun and educational romp through medical history and the weird ways people have treated everything from exploding teeth to gout. They also tackle more modern topics such as the anti-vax movement (it’s bad) and the weird trend of Tumblr kids being obsessed with rabies (it’s odd). While remaining mostly comedic in tone, it does occasionally take on more serious topics with stunning clarity and empathy - Harry’s filibuster speech about human responsibility and the legacy of epidemics in episode 41 is just one example. Available wherever you listen to podcasts.  
**T****witter:** @quackspod **  
****W****ebsite:** quackspodcast.com

🦴🦴🦴

** _EPISODE 53 - MUMMY IN MY TUMMY_ **

**HARRY:** we have gotten a staggering amount of requests for today's topic and I've avoided mentioning what it is because I want to get your genuine reaction on record. It is truly concerning how many people have asked me to talk about this. Are you ready?

**SILNA:** what I am is scared. 

**HARRY:** before we start we actually have some housekeeping to do! 

**SILNA:** you're really going to leave me hanging like that.

**HARRY:** first of all, if you've made fanart for the show we've seen it. It's probably been printed out and put on our fridge. 

**SILNA:** we might have to get another fridge so we have more space for fanart. 

**HARRY:** second, we've heard your call for merch and by the time this episode goes up it will be answered. You can get stickers with our logo, or name tags that say 'I am also Dr. Goodsir', there are some prints, I won't reveal what they're of so there's a little surprise for you. 

**SILNA:** there are little 'imagine!' pins. We have matching ones, it's all very cute and also a little sickening. 

**HARRY:** depending on how well the merch does, we want to try to donate at least half of the profits to a different charity each month. This month we're partnering with Inuit Tapiriit Kanatami which is a great Canadian charity concerned with bettering the lives of Inuit populations, specifically with getting their voices and needs recognized at a federal level. We'll be leaving a link to their website in the show notes as well as on Twitter. The merch designs are by our good friend Graham Gore who did our beautiful logo, if you want to check out more of his work we'll include a link to that as well. 

**SILNA:** like Harry said, the money is going to be split mainly between Inuit Tapiriit Kanatami and Graham, we'll be keeping maybe 5% of the sales and that's for Tuunbaq's expensive diet food. 

**HARRY:** I forgot to mention where you can find the store, it's at quackspodcast.com/merch once more that is quackspodcast.com/merch. Now that that's out of the way, did you know Victorians used to eat mummies to cure things like headaches and dizziness? 

[coughing, laughing. A _thud _close to the microphone. Tuunbaq howls in the background.]

**HARRY**: listeners…she's down. Silna is down. She's got her face on the desk. I think I broke her. 

**SILNA:** [wheeze, unintelligible] 

**HARRY:** do you need a minute? 

**SILNA:** [unintelligible] 

**HARRY:** she needs a minute.

**SILNA:** at the end of the episode I'm going to be properly outraged by the desecration of graves but that delivery was honestly the funniest thing I've heard in my life. Tell me about mummy-eating. 

[...]

**SILNA:** did they….do you think they snorted it? 

**HARRY:** almost definitely. 

**SILNA:** [cackles, unintelligible] hang on hang on. [bad English accent] hello doctor, I've been having some pains in my head and I've _tried_ cocaine, I've _tried _opium, I've injected so much heroin into my bloodstream that I thought I could shoot crows out of my hands. Is there anything else you could recommend? [old timey radio announcer voice, equally bad] well I'm pleased to report that there's a hot new medicinal trend sweeping the nation. It's _mummies_. That's right! You know King Tut? Nefertiti? The Plagues of Egypt ringing any bells? Remember how England couldn't be satisfied by invading nearly every country in the world and needed to resort to digging up graves and pillaging tombs to quench their imperialist thirst? Well, now you too can experience Egyptomania _and_ medicinal cannibalism right in your very own home! Try our new mummy supplements to cure nausea, dizziness, headaches and more! 

🦴🦴🦴

> **Quacks Podcast! **retweeted  
**Graham 🌠 ** @ggoreart  
In honour of the merch dropping, here’s a comparison between the concept art for @quackspod and the final logo  
_[image description: on the left is the concept art - Harry dressed as a plague doctor (holding, rather than wearing his mask) and Silna dressed as a modern doctor against a red backdrop printed with tiny caduceuses with a banner reading ‘Quacks: Old Medicine for the Modern Age’ along the bottom - and the right is the official logo - a yellow rubber duck wearing a headlamp and a lab coat against a simple red background and the same banner]_
> 
> |
> 
> **Harry D.S. Goodsir** @GoodsirPhD  
@ggoreart a tragedy that we didn’t go with the original logo and expose my long history of cosplaying plague doctors  
_[image description: four photos of Harry dressed as a plague doctor much like the original art, ages 9, 14, 17 & 23]_

🦴🦴🦴

** _EPISODE 69 - AN ABSOLUTE SNACC_ **

**SILNA:** if we learned anything from our mummies episode it's that people really, really wanted more cannibalism talk. 

**HARRY:** I'm a little bit concerned, actually. 

**SILNA:** I think they just wanted to know if we'd eat each other if we had to. 

**HARRY:** specifically each other?

**SILNA:** yeah I think so, that’s a pretty good test of a relationship.

**HARRY:** well, why beat around the bush, if we were in a life-or-death situation and it really came down to it, would you eat me to survive or let me eat you to survive?

**SILNA:** okay. That really depends on the circumstances. I don’t know if I could handle the emotional toll of eating _ you _ specifically but I think if driven to the extremes I _could _consume human flesh, provided that the person died of natural causes and wasn't anybody I knew. I wouldn’t kill someone just to eat them. I wouldn’t kill someone in general. And I’d rather be eaten than eat someone else, I think. You can’t have moral issues about partaking in cannibalism if you’re already dead.

**HARRY:** I’d also much rather be eaten if it meant that someone else had a shot at surviving. And I agree on the ‘not murdering someone just for food’ issue. If you were dying and you gave me permission to eat you I’d feel a little better than, say, if you dropped dead spontaneously and I’d have to wrestle with whether or not I could live having eaten you.

**SILNA:** you do know, hypothetically at least, what parts are safest to eat.

**HARRY:** I’m realizing now that my idea of describing in clinical detail what parts of the body can be eaten as a way of dissuading people from cannibalism due to sheer gross-out factor is probably not smart on the off chance that someone actually goes ahead and takes my advice. 

**SILNA:** give most of the details but change one thing.

**HARRY:** like how in _ Fight Club _the writers had to change an ingredient for napalm because it’s alarmingly easy to make napalm.

**SILNA:** I’ve never seen _ Fight Club_. You know this.

**HARRY:** maybe our listeners have! I’m not judging their taste in movies. 

**SILNA:** well, I am. 

🦴🦴🦴

** _LADY SILENCE:_** **_ SILNA GOODSIR OPENS UP ABOUT HER PLATFORM, THE ENVIRONMENT, AND WHY _ ** **QUACKS** ** _ HAD TO BE A TWO-PERSON JOB_ **

By Sophia Cracroft

> _ Dr. Silna Goodsir meets me outside the Unikkaarvik Visitor Centre with two cups of coffee and a smile. We’d discussed this beforehand, the coffee, the itinerary, the avenues of conversation. Having learned it would be my first visit to Nunavut (and Canada as a whole), she wanted to make sure I’d see everything Iqaluit has to offer. Hence the Visitor Centre. We’re standing in front of a large, and rather ferocious-looking diorama of a polar bear when she drops two bombshells on me: the first that polar bears can outpace a horse—only for short distances, she reassures me when I look frightened—and, that having a podcast was never something she thought she could do. _
> 
> _ “I didn’t speak until I was four,” she explains, not breaking eye contact with the bear in front of her ”and until I was 19 I was largely non-verbal. My father took me to speech therapists, and I learned to sign which made things easier, but we never quite figured out why I didn’t talk. Maybe I didn’t feel the need to, maybe I didn’t think I had anything worth saying. The kids at school called me ‘Lady Silence’ because of this. That probably didn’t help, all things considered. I suppose sometimes I’m worried I’ll just...stop, that I’ll run out of words. I’ve been trying to make up for 15 years of varying verbality because it feels like I’ve got words blocked up inside me, but I worry that maybe there are too many and I'll never be able to let all of them breathe”. _
> 
> [...]
> 
> _ We stop at Big Racks Barbecue for lunch. Along the walk, because you can walk almost everywhere in Iqaluit I’m assured; and it isn’t hard to believe considering the low-population-to-area ratio, she gestures vaguely in the direction of the movie theatre where she worked to fund her way through med school—the Astro Theatre, Iqaluit’s only cinema, is unfortunately closed at the time of publishing—and the address of the visitor’s centre we just exited: 220 Silnaa _
> 
> _ “_Quacks_ was always going to be the two of us,” she tells me in between adding vinegar to her fries, and after warmly greeting all the staff (‘this is Sophia!’ she introduces me warmly, as though we have been friends for years ‘she’s visiting from London!’. She does not mention that my purpose for visiting is to profile her for a magazine, it’s somewhat comforting to know she sees me as a person before a journalist. When I tell her this she simply laughs before telling me that we’re ‘people, first and foremost’). “I wasn’t sure of it at first, I thought it would be better listening, more atmospheric if it was just Harry talking about medical history. But he convinced me to do it. ‘It’ll sound better if we’re together, I work better with you’!” When she repeats her husband’s words it’s with an imitation Scottish burr, clearly honed from years of practice. _
> 
> _He was right, the original conception of _Quacks_, Harry Goodsir sharing pieces of medical history with a tight script, would have stood fine on its own, but with the easy repertoire and experience the Doctors Goodsir have built up, it’s electric. “It’s almost healing, to be doing _Quacks_. That might be a silly thing to say, last episode we had a 7-minute tangent debating whether _Creature from the Black Lagoon_ is a romantic comedy, but it’s true. It feels good to be doing this show. It feels good that people want to hear what I have to say.” _

🦴🦴🦴

** _EPISODE 76 - AAAAARGH MY LEG_**

**HARRY: **is that...chewing?

**SILNA:** oh my god is he eating plastic again? Is the fancy diet food not enough?

**HARRY:** I'm going to check. [pushes chair back, talking and faint animal sounds audible in the background] 

**SILNA**: esteemed guests, Tuunbaq has started this new routine where whenever he decides it's time to get up, he hops up onto the bed and stands over me, puts his paws on either side of my shoulders, and drools on my face until I wake up. Tuunbaq runs this household. Tuunbaq would run Canada if given the chance. 

**HARRY:** [distant] let me look inside your mouth! 

**TUUNBAQ:** [yowls] 

**SILNA** he can open doors. He's unstoppable. 

**HARRY:** okay, I'm back. He was not eating plastic, he was just gnawing at the side of his bowl.

**SILNA: **no gods no kings no masters, only Tuunbaq.

🦴🦴🦴

> **Silna (the cooler) Goodsir ** @GoodsirMD  
There are five (5) distressed babies on this flight and I can't stop thinking about how doctors would prescribe morphine, laudanum, and opium to get babies to stop crying
> 
> |
> 
> I'm not advocating for bringing it back!! I just think it's wild. "Give your baby cocaine" a 1840s doctor would say "they'll sleep so well you'd think they were dead!" 
> 
> |
> 
> "What's an airplane?" they would also probably say. "why are you hurtling across the ocean in a metal death tube?” “How does someone like you have a medical license?" 
> 
> |
> 
> Spotted: @GoodsirPhD crying at the end of third Transformers movie??   
_[image description: a tired-looking but nonetheless cozy Harry Goodsir staring dead-eyed at the screen in front of him with visible tear tracks down his cheeks] _
> 
> **Harry D.S. Goodsir** @GoodsirPhD  
Spotted: @GoodsirMD also crying at the end of the third Transformers movie   
_[image description: a somewhat bitter Silna Goodsir, holding a plastic cup of orange juice in one hand and wiping her eyes with the other. The credits for _ Transformers: Dark of the Moon _ clearly visible in the background] _

🦴🦴🦴

** _EPISODE 88 - Goodsir 7_ **

**SILNA:** fair warning, this episode might be a mess.

**HARRY:** fair warning, this episode will _ definitely _ be a mess.

**ROBERT GOODSIR:** well that isn’t very nice.

**JANE GOODSIR:** it’s probably true though.

**HARRY:** as I was saying, this episode will definitely be a mess because we have _five _ special guests today. Do you want to go around and introduce yourselves?

**ARCHIE GOODSIR:** which way you should we start? Clockwise or anticlockwise?

**HARRY:** either, I suppose.

**ROBERT:** I’m Robert Goodsir.

**JANE:** I’m Jane Goodsir, I’m a botanist.

**ROBERT:** shit I forgot to list my credentials.

**ARCHIE:** you’ve lost your chance, buddy. I’m Archie Goodsir, I’m just a lowly med student. 

**JOHN GOODSIR:** I’m John Goodsir, I’m an anatomy professor at the University of Edinburgh.

**JOSEPH GOODSIR:** I’m Joseph Goodsir and I am...not a doctor.

**JANE:** we love you anyway.

**ROBERT: **our dad, two of our uncles, and our grandfather were also doctors.

**SILNA:** I swear none of this is made up. Harry does indeed come from a medical dynasty.

**HARRY:** now, Silna’s an only child, so she never got the experience of being zipped into a sleeping bag and swung around by your ankles-

**SILNA:** _what!_

**HARRY:** or buried neck-deep in a bog-

**SILNA:** _no!_

**HARRY:** or general sibling shenanigans.

**SILNA:** where were your _ parents, _why were you all just feral and running around Scotland?

**JOHN:** dad thought it would be “a learning experience”.

**HARRY:** basically, we’re going to go around and share wild things we did as children and contemplate how we aren’t dead.

**ARCHIE:** can I start? When I was 9, Bobby put me in a tire and rolled me down a hill into a river. 

🦴🦴🦴

> **Harry D.S. Goodsir** @GoodsirPhD  
Seated and waiting for @janegoodsir to give her Big Plant Speech at @BotSocScot !!
> 
> **Silna (the cooler) Goodsir** @GoodsirMD  
@janegoodsir got a MEDAL for PLANTS!!  
_[image description: Jane, Harry & Silna all fancily dressed and huddled in a dark-lit selfie. Jane is holding a velvet box propped open to reveal a glimmering gold medal]_
> 
> **Harry D.S. Goodsir** @Goodsir PhD  
The Dr. Goodsir Extended Universe  
_[image description: Silna, Jane, Robert, John, Archie & Joseph Goodsir all sitting around a table playing some sort of card game. It’s unclear who, if anyone is winning]_
> 
> |
> 
> Statistically, at least half of all doctors in Edinburgh are Goodsirs
> 
> |
> 
> Joey (far right, blue hat) isn’t a doctor and he’d want you all to know that he’s “shirking the family legacy” and also that we’re very proud of him
> 
> ** _🦴🦴🦴_ **

** _EPISODE 94 - TYPHOID SCARY_**

**SILNA: **Do you ever think about the number of diseases that are transferred by people simply not washing their hands after using the toilet?

**HARRY:** every day of my life.

**SILNA:** people are out there walking around with poop hands trying to give us typhoid. Apparently, it’s rude to use hand sanitizer after shaking hands with a bunch of people you’ve only just met, as I learned this past weekend at a conference.

**HARRY:** you don’t know those people! You don’t know where their hands have or have not been, whipping out hand sanitizer is perfectly within your rights.

**SILNA:** it...isn’t hard to wash your hands. And I truly don’t mean to come off as rude, but I’m a doctor, and I know the statistics about cis men and general hygiene. They’re _grim._ I’d like to shake hands with you, not your penis, or someone else's penis, thank you very much.

**HARRY:** listen, I don’t care if you 'didn't touch it’, you’re still in an unsanitary communal environment. Washing your hands takes all of a minute and it ensures that you don’t walk around with poop hands and give everyone typhoid.

**SILNA:** wash your [bleep] hands.

**HARRY:** wash your [bleep] hands!

🦴🦴🦴

> **Quacks Podcast!** @Quackspod  
It’s coming up to our 100th episode, imagine! In honour of this (frankly ridiculous) milestone, please enjoy these larval pictures from 2007. Yes, we’ve both always been like this.  
_[Image descriptions: two pictures, both with appropriately 2007 quality. The first is of Silna wearing the polo shirt and visor of an overworked movie theatre employee, along with a snazzy pair of sunglasses. She’s holding an electric blue slushie and is flashing a peace sign with the other hand. The second picture is of Harry, bushy-haired and moderately dishevelled, standing in a body of water with his pants rolled up to his knees and a shirt that says ‘I have crabs’ above a crab graphic. True to form, he is holding a _ necora puber _ or, velvet crab, and is smiling broadly at the camera]_

🦴🦴🦴

** _EPISODE 100 - THE FIRST ANNUAL QUACKS Q&A SPECIAL_ **

**SILNA:** Vé wants to know “_what kind of animal is Tuunbaq, exactly? He sounds like some sort of unholy demon, and every picture you post of him is cryptid-levels of blurry. Is he a dog? A cat? A small bear? An ancient and powerful spirit? Also, I love the show so much, thank you for creating it! _”

**HARRY:** thank you!

**SILNA:** that is a very serendipitous question, Vé, because Tuunbaq happens to be in the studio with us.

**HARRY:** ‘in the studio’ she says. We record this at our kitchen table and Tuunbaq is trying to open a cabinet door.

**SILNA:** he’s very good at opening doors, very talented. But to answer your question: Tuunbaq is an _ experience _

**HARRY:** he’s a cat.

**SILNA:** a two-foot-long cat. We have no idea why he’s so big, he was the runt of the litter.

**HARRY:** he nearly fought a caribou once.

**SILNA:** I’m so proud of him. My massive, monstrous boy. He doesn’t really meow, mostly he just screams.

**HARRY:** that’s relatable.

**SILNA:** yeah. Ace wants to know if your full name is actually ‘Harry Nintendo DS Goodsir’.

**HARRY:** I _ wish_.

**SILNA:** if you change your actual, legal name to Harry Nintendo DS Goodsir I am going to divorce you.

**HARRY:** that’s fair, honestly. This last question is from...we cannot read this on air. 

**SILNA:** we can if we censor it, and we have to.

**HARRY:** _why_?

**SILNA:** because I need to call out the person who sent it. This next question is from ‘E.C.’ aka Twitter user @EliusCorn and it reads “ _ if scurvy can be cured by vitamin c, and semen contains vitamin c, how much_” uh, what’s the least graphic way of wording this?

**HARRY:** I don’t think there is one.

**SILNA: ** _"h__ow much oral sex would I have to perform to cure scurvy _?”

**HARRY: **a lot. I don’t have time to do the math right now, nor do I particularly want to consider the logistics of that question, ever, but it’s not a viable scurvy treatment method.

**SILNA:** I understand that this question is almost certainly a joke, but E.C. please do not. Just ...please don’t. 

**HARRY:** you’d die.

**SILNA:** would you consider that….

**HARRY:** I beg you to not

**SILNA:** going out with a bang? 

[Muffled background laugher]

Anyway, that’s it for us this episode. Thank you for sticking with us, please don’t send us questions about semen reversing the effects of scurvy, and we hope to keep going with this podcast for as long as you’ll allow it! As usual, you can find us on Twitter @quackspod or at our website quackspodcast.com. Our personal Twitters are @GoodsirMD and @GoodsirPhD. Our beautiful logo is by Graham Gore, and our theme music is by me. Thank you, we love you, make good choices!

**HARRY:** imagine that!

**TUUNBAQ:** [unholy screeching] 

_ [EXIT MUSIC PLAYS] _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **quick & dirty history notes! **  
-exploding teeth info courtesy of [ here ](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20160301-the-gruesome-and-mysterious-case-of-exploding-teeth)  
-my information about the knife swallowing story is from [here](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC539548/)  
-graham gore was actually a very talented painter! and [this](https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/franklin-expedition/images/0/09/Gore1841Painting.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20190803212251) painting of his is on display at the national library of australia! you go, graham!  
-all goodsir family info courtesy of [this blog](https://goodsibs.tumblr.com)  
-a quack, like a sawbone, is another old-fashioned word for a crooked or phony doctor
> 
> ** other notes **  
-"you KICK tuunabq" is a riff on the famous ["you KICK miette" tweet](https://twitter.com/tricialockwood/status/1108102037072433153?lang=en) by patricia lockwood  
\- "Chas" is indeed Des Voeux, what a rude man. And Henry, who complains of tapeworm nightmares is Collins, poor lad.  
-big shoutout to Ace, DJ, (other) Kit & Vé for letting me use their names  
-if you take one thing away from this fic it's that you should read rachel carson's work, it's _ incredible _ also every mary oliver poem is objectively about one harry nintendo ds goodsir  
-i'm [@nedlittle](https://nedlittle.tumblr.com) on tumblr and [@kitnotmarlowe](https://twitter.com/kitnotmarlowe) on twitter  



	2. QUACKS EPISODE 134: WOULDN'T IT BE (N)ICE - LIVE AT MERIDIAN THEATRE!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **HARRY: ** I cannot believe you’re going to make me kill our friends and family in front of a live audience.  
**SILNA: **I’m not making you kill anyone! Whether they live or die depends entirely on your knowledge of 1840s medicine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) inspired entirely by the sawbones liveshow where sydnee transplants their entire family onto the oregon trail with only justin's knowledge of 1840s medicine to save them. listen to that first or read the transcript if you want to get the vibe we're going for.  
2) parts of this are like. aggressively canadian which i'm kind of sorry for but also this is MY podcasting au and i'm incredibly homesick  
3) i have heard your prayers and decided to answer them, the links _ are _ clickable this time around. there are some fun surprises  
4) a million thank yous to [jolly_utter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jolly_utter/pseuds/jolly_utter) for betaing!! i owe you my life

**Quacks Podcast! ** @QuacksPod  
If we were in Toronto for unrelated reasons near the end of June, would people want/come to a liveshow?  
Yes! ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| (79%)  
No! |||||| (21%)

|

Dang, okay I see you!

**Jartnell “Jartnell” Jartnell **@jartnell

@QuacksPod liveshow but it’s tuunbaq screaming into the mic for an hour 

|

**Quacks Podcast** @QuacksPod  
@jartnell we’re revoking your Friend Of The Show status

**Jartnell “Jartnell’ Jartnell** @jartnell  
@ggoreart sorry babe we have to split i’m no longer a Friend Of The Show x

|

**graham ** 🌠 @ggoreart  
aw man :(

* * *

**Quacks Podcast** @QuacksPod  
Liveshow tickets! Get yer liveshow tickets! [bit.ly/quacksshow](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTt4MCbm_kI)

* * *

**Harry D.S. Goodsir** @GoodsirPhD  
We've been vague about the liveshow because Silna refuses to tell me anything but the bare bones. So it's going to be a surprise for everyone but her.  
_ [ _ **_Image description:_** _ Silna sitting in an airplane window seat turned as far away from the camera as possible. She’s got her laptop open in front of her and a grin best described as ‘devious’] _

**|**

**graham ** 🌠 @ggoreart  
oh boy you are NOT ready

* * *

**Silna LIVE IN TORONTO Goodsir** @GoodsirMD  
Tuunbaq is staying with my dad (his favourite person) which means I keep getting updates like this

_ [ _ **_Image description:_** _  
_ _ First picture _ _: Tuunbaq the cat sitting very still at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, a plate of buttered toast, and an open newspaper in front of him.   
_ _ Second picture: _ _ a screenshot of some texts between Silna and her father reading  
_ _ What part is he reading?’  
_ _ ‘The funnies.’  
_ _ ‘Ah. A man of culture’] _

* * *

##  _ EPISODE 134: WOULDN’T IT BE (N)ICE LIVE AT MERIDIAN THEATRE! _

**HARRY GOODSIR: **Hello! I’m Dr. Goodsir!

_ [audience applause] _

**SILNA GOODSIR:** and I’m also Dr. Goodsir 

_ [more audience applause] _

**HARRY: **and for once we are not recording this at our kitchen table.

**SILNA:** you could say we’re recording this at the world’s kitchen table.

**HARRY: **is...is that a thing? Do people say that about Toronto?

**SILNA: **I don’t think anyone has ever said that about Toronto and I don’t know why I said it either.

**HARRY:** oh this is already so bad oh no. Roll the title theme

_ [INTRO MUSIC PLAYS] _

**SILNA:** anyway, I’m Silna, that’s Harry, this is _ Quacks: Old Medicine for the Modern Age, _ and I am so sorry for the chaos you’re about to be subjected to.

**HARRY:** we can’t edit out any goofs because we have witnesses. 

**SILNA:** normally, we’ll record for about an hour and a half and end up with forty-five minutes of usable audio, and the rest is us going off the rails. So you people are either very lucky or you’re going to unsubscribe the minute the show ends. Enjoy!

**HARRY:** how are you all doing? We’ve been very inconsiderate hosts.

_ [audience cheer] _

That’s good! I’m glad you decided to spend your evening with us and I hope we make it worth your time! Do you want to get started?

**SILNA:** _[the rustle of a hefty bag of dice being lowered onto the table]_ yes let’s get started.

_ [a projection screen lowers from the ceiling] _

Can everyone see the screen?

_ [affirmative audience noises] _

Awesome. Okay, so, we wanted to do something a little bit different, a little more interactive than sitting up here and discussing measles or what have you. We’re going to play a game to see just how effective Harry’s medical history knowledge would be if he were, say, transported back to the 1840s and had to prevent our friends and family from dying premature deaths. In the end, it will come down to a test of luck: his dice versus my whims. Hang on, I have ambient background music.

_ [keyboard typing. A Spotify ad starts off with _ “skipping is great....”. _ Surprised audience laughter] _

I don’t want to pay for Spotify premium, okay? They don’t need my money.

_ [Another ad plays] _

**HARRY:** it’s going to give us four ads in a row, isn’t it?

**SILNA:** definitely.

**HARRY: **I am filled with dread right now. That is no exaggeration, I am terrified.

**SILNA:** you’ve also had several iced coffees today, so that’s probably the caffeine you’re feeling. 

**HARRY:** listen, my iced coffee consumption is between me and Tim Horton himself.

**SILNA:** is Tim Horton....alive? I don’t know these things.

**HARRY:** I don’t know either.

**SILNA:** I shall Google it.

**HARRY:** while you’re googling that, and while Spotify gives us infinite ads, I need to share this experience we had in the York St. Tims. I really don’t like being that person who calls out someone who I don’t know in public, but it was very concerning. There was this woman in line in front of us who orders a coffee—

_ [Another ad plays] _

**SILNA:** Tim Horton died in 1974 in a car crash. I don’t know why I thought he was still alive.

**HARRY:** I would be impressed if he still were alive.

**SILNA:** he’s actually frozen in cryostasis like Walt Disney.

**HARRY:** he’s frozen in cryostasis in a vat of iced capp.

**SILNA:** _[laughing]_ please finish telling our friends in the audience about this encounter.

**HARRY: ** this woman orders an extra-large double double which is fine and normal. And then she asks for three more creams and sugars. Which brings her total to _five_. 

_ [vague noise of disgust from the audience] _

And _ then _ she orders three shots of espresso. 

_ [louder noise of disgust from the audience] _

**SILNA:** first of all, ma’am, you’re essentially drinking an extra-large cup of creamer. Second, your heart rate must be absolutely off the walls. Third, are you okay?

_ [ambient seascapes start playing] _

Oh yeah! Here we go. The year is 1846—

**HARRY:** wait, I’m not ready!

**SILNA:** tough luck, babe, we only have this space for so long. _ [she assumes a dramatic narration voice] _ The year is 1846 and you, Harry D. S. Goodsir, have recently been promoted from assistant surgeon to surgeon on the Whaleship _ Quacks_, which is currently trapped in pack ice in the Arctic Sea.

**HARRY:** what happened to the previous surgeon?

**SILNA:** he got stabbed.

**HARRY:** he _what_!

**SILNA:** I created an entire character for this nice, handsome surgeon who was going to get stabbed by one of the crew halfway through the game. It was going to be a whole emotional beat and then I realized it wasn’t necessary.

**HARRY: **that poor surgeon. 

**SILNA:** he’s fine. I mean, he’s dead, but he’s fine. As I was saying, the Whaleship _ Quacks _was sailing off the coast of Greenland when she got blown off course by a terrible storm. For the past 11 months, she has been ice-locked off the coast of Iluvialuit, or Beechey Island as you would know it.

_ [on the screen, a map of the Arctic with Beechey Island highlighted in red appears] _

**HARRY:** oh we got blown _way _off course!

**SILNA:** Iluvialuit was historically used as a landing point for polar expeditions! I didn’t just throw a dart at a map. Anyways. The ship is in as good of a condition as she can be, considering she’s been stuck and is being slowly crushed by pack ice for nearly a year. The same goes for your crew, though that will all change soon. Your food stores appear to be stable, as you packed enough provisions for three years, and you’ve also managed to find a moderate amount of game. The crew is fairly happy and remain hopeful that you will soon be free of the ice and can continue on your journey.

**HARRY:** can I meet the crew?

**SILNA:** absolutely! Also, big thank you to Friend of the Show/general lifesaver Graham Gore for doing these portraits. Graham, we love you, I’m sorry for what’s about to happen.

**HARRY:** my palms are so sweaty right now.

**SILNA: ** thank you for informing me. Listeners will know the Whaleship _ Quacks’ _ captain from our episode on malaria, as advice columnist extraordinaire Dear Clio, or perhaps from his general internet presence, it’s James Fitzjames.

_ [The first portrait on the screen is done to mimic early daguerreotypes. James stands in full dress uniform at the wheel, gazing heroically into the distance] _

For the record, and I don’t know why I feel the need to clarify this, there are more than five people in the crew, these are just the five who you’ll be tasked with saving. Next up is our first mate and intrepid artist, Graham Gore

_ [The second portrait shows Graham, sufficiently bundled against the cold, looking through a spyglass on the main deck] _

The two other mates don’t matter. They’re here but they don’t matter. You also have a series of harpooners, as befitting a whaleship, the lead of whom is ergotism expert and human interest writer, Sophia Cracroft.

_ [The third portrait is an action shot of Sophia standing at the end of a whaleboat in a storm with a harpoon raised and an elaborate period hairstyle] _

And a ship cannot function without its belowdecks crew. Unortunately, this isn’t a scientific voyage so there’s little need for a botanist, but there’s a need for a steward, so please welcome Jane Goodsir, of the trainwreck that was ‘Goodsir 7’ fame!

_ [Portrait four has Jane wearing a clean uniform and holding a full tea set as she makes her way down a lamp-lit corridor] _

And last, but certainly not least, one more Goodsir to round out the crew, it’s Robert Goodsir as the ship’s carpenter.

_ [In portrait five, Robert is holding a saw with a slightly maniacal glint in his eye, there are nails scattered on the table beside him] _

**HARRY:** I cannot believe you’re going to make me kill our friends and family in front of a live audience.

**SILNA:** I’m not _ making _ you kill anyone! Whether they live or die depends entirely on your knowledge of 1840s medicine. Oh, sorry, there are two more pictures.

_ [The first is Harry with an impressive set of period-accurate muttonchops holding what appears to be a scalpel in one hand and a human skull in the other] _

**HARRY:** I like my muttonchops.

**SILNA:** I didn’t give Graham any suggestions so the muttonchops were entirely his artistic vision. 

**HARRY:** and what a vision they are.

**SILNA: **please do not grow those in real life. 

_ [The last picture is of Silna in modern dress with a small partition, notebook, and scattering of dice around her. She’s got an incredibly serene expression on her face and Tuunbaq’s face and one long polydactyl paw are visible over the edge of the table. This image fades into a wider screen—a lovely view of the _ aurora borealis _ over where the Whaleship _ Quacks _ is trapped in the ice. The portraits of the crew become character sheets. Everyone has _ ** _twenty_ ** _ health points and a bonus trait in addition to the usual ones given in DnD at the bottom (James’ says ‘pure unhinged bravery’, Graham’s says ‘golden retriever energy’, Sophia’s says ‘relentlessness’, Jane’s says ‘knowledge of edible plants’, and Robert’s says ‘untapped bastard potential’.] _

**HARRY: **Oh, this is _lovely _!

**SILNA:** I know, I got them right before our plane took off and was so upset that I couldn’t show you. Okay, now onto your supplies. Here’s a quick rundown of everything in your medical bag _ [clears throat] _ for starters there are a lot of opioids: opium, laudanum, chloroform, ether, as well as rubbing alcohol, bandages, forceps, tweezers etc, bone saw, regular saw, scissors, needle and thread, and various poultices and powders. All of this will appear on the screen so you don’t forget.

_ [it does] _

First could you please pick a number between 1 and 5 to determine the order of patients?

**HARRY:** 4.

###  _ROUND 1:_ Graham Gore

**SILNA:** 4, okay… _ [she consults the sheets in front of her] _. Here’s your d20. You’ll be rolling twice. First to determine what you’ll be treating, then the severity of it. For the severity, the number you roll will be the number of health points you have left or regain. There are twenty ailments, varying from plausible to a little bit wild. 

**HARRY: **I’m concerned as to what you consider ‘a little bit wild’. 

**SILNA: **roll the dice, Harry.

**HARRY:** six.

**SILNA:** roll again.

**HARRY:** thirteen.

**SILNA:** So, despite your otherwise unfortunate situation, everyone is having a moderately good time. Captain Fitzjames sends out a hunting party led by his first mate, as your supply of fresh meat is running low. When they return, they are dragging something upon a sled, only I don’t recommend eating it—

**HARRY:** if you say it’s Graham’s dead body, I swear to god—

**SILNA:** hold your horses, he isn’t dead!

**HARRY:** good.

**SILNA:** yet…

**HARRY:** no! This is already so stressful!

**SILNA:** he’s fine. He’s breathing and conscious he just...got mauled by a bear.

_ [noise of horror from the audience. On-screen, Graham loses 7 health.] _

**HARRY:** I worry about your definition of ‘fine’. Also when you said some of the ailments were what was it, “kind of wild”?

**SILNA:** it was “a little bit wild” but that goes to show how much attention you were paying—

**HARRY:** _[overlapping]_ I wasn’t expecting _mauled by a bear_ to be one of the options and certainly not the first one!

**SILNA:** Hey, I didn’t roll the dice. You did this to Graham. 

**HARRY: ** _ [long sigh] _ tell me about his injury.

**SILNA:** one of the other men in the hunting party, let’s call him Tom, tells you that two days ago, as they were tracking a group of seals, a rather bad-tempered polar bear attacked them. Them being the party and not the seals, though possibly the seals as well. The rest of the men were relatively unscathed. Shaken up, a little bit bruised, but still fine. Graham, ever the hero, tried to fight the bear

_ [one especially loud gasp of horror from the audience] _

He tried to **shoot** it! He wasn’t going full _ Fight Club _ on this bear!

**HARRY:** look at you referencing your favourite movie.

**SILNA:** I couldn’t remember the name of the boxing movie, the one with...Al Pacino?

**HARRY: ** Al Pacino? Are you thinking of _ Rocky _?

**SILNA:** I think so?

**HARRY:** that’s Robert De Niro.

**SILNA:** those two are indistinguishable in my brain.

**HARRY:** you know what? That’s fair. Neither of us have ever seen this movie, in case you couldn’t tell.

_ [indistinct audience yelling] _

What? It’s _ not _ Robert De Niro?

**SILNA: **how many of these white men of a certain age are there?

**HARRY:** who plays Rocky then?

**AUDIENCE: **Sylvester Stallone!

**SILNA:** I have no idea who that man is. Anyway. Graham did not seek to emulate classic boxing film _ Rocky _ starring Sylvester Stallone and challenge this bear to a fistfight, he tried to shoot it but failed, and the bear’s claws caught him in the chest. The rest of the hunting party tried to stabilize him as best they could, and while they managed to stop the bleeding, he has an open chest wound. As I said, he’s conscious and in about as good of a condition as you can imagine. There are three long claw marks on his chest that have been dressed a little bit. They aren’t actively bleeding at this very moment but there is a lot of dried blood. You can’t determine how deep or how bad they are without getting all up in there.

**HARRY:** then I would like to get all up in there. 

_ [wolf-whistle from the audience] _

_ NOT _ like that, you animals!

**SILNA: ** _ [swallowing laughter] _ I was going to say something awful. 

**HARRY:** awful how?

**SILNA:** slightly inappropriate but not vulgar. 

**HARRY:** to be fair I just said I would like to ‘get all up in there’ in reference to Graham’s chest wound. I think you have to say it.

**SILNA:** _[laughing]_ I can’t do it.

**HARRY:** say the words, Dr. Goodsir.

**SILNA:** I need a moment. _ [long pause] _ . Hang on _ [longer pause]_.

_ [Somewhat delirious audience laughter] _

I was going to say ‘hey baby, let me rearrange your guts but in a surgical context because your organs are falling out of your body’.

_ [the crowd goes wild] _

**HARRY:** an actual medical doctor, esteemed guests! Wait, I’m sorry. His _ organs _ are falling out of his _ body_?

**SILNA:** they aren’t, that was just for comedic effect. But you do cut away his jacket and shirt to get a better look of the wound and it is pretty gnarly. There are three long slashes going across his abdomen. They’re quite shallow, which is good, but they have been bleeding a lot and will continue to do so if agitated.

**HARRY:** his insides are fine, though?

**SILNA:** oh yeah, his insides are exactly how they’re supposed to be. His outsides just look like ground beef.

**HARRY:** he’s really living up to his name at the moment.

**SILNA:** I know, right? I didn’t plan this, by the way.

**HARRY:** is there anything else I should know?

**SILNA:** nope, the floor is all yours.

**HARRY:** well, first I should probably make sure he’s at least sort of intoxicated to dull the pain.

**SILNA:** what are you picking for that?

**HARRY:** opium. I do not want him to be conscious when I’m rummaging around in his chest cavity. Is there any sort of bite stick or bit of leather in my medical bag?

**SILNA:** I forgot to include one on the graphic but yes there would be one.

**HARRY:** I give him the bite stick and then I disinfect the wound.

**SILNA:** why are you looking at me?

**HARRY:** should I roll for anything?

**SILNA:** _[laughs]_ ‘roll for patient handling’. No, I will tell you when you have to roll. 

**HARRY:** I disinfect and dress the wound. You said it isn’t too deep but will bleed if provoked so, I’m going to make sure it’s sterile and give him a few stitches. Aside from prescribing bed rest, I’m not sure what else needs to be done.

**SILNA:** I think you did pretty well. Roll to check recovery.

**HARRY: **thirteen again.

That’s good! Unless something unspeakable happens, later on, he should make a full recovery.

_ [Graham’s health bar regains 3 points. Silna rolls her own dice behind a partition and does not share the number nor the reason] _ that’s for later.

**HARRY:** uh-oh.

######  _ HEALTH STATS: _

  * **Graham:** 16
  * **Jane:** 20
  * **Robert:** 20
  * **Sophia:** 20
  * **James:** 20

###  ROUND 2: Jane Goodsir

**SILNA:** keep rolling, we’ve got more patients.

**HARRY:** two and six. 

**SILNA:** Some time passes, about a month. Unfortunately, you’re still trapped in the ice, which is less than ideal. However, apart from that disastrous hunting party—and might I add that Graham’s bear wound is healing quite well. He’s in, dare I say it, ship-shape—

**AUDIENCE: **boo!

**SILNA:** —you have been finding a good amount of game in addition to your tinned provisions. And, it is over an officer’s dinner of those tinned provisions that your next victim falls ill.

**HARRY:** what are we eating?

**SILNA:** probably some sort of dour tinned meat and, like, cooked celery and unseasoned potatoes.

**HARRY: ** Victorians _ were _ obsessed with cooked celery!

_ [audience disgust] _

Yeah, I know.

**SILNA:** while she is refilling someone’s plate, Jane at first goes very still. She drops the serving fork, with a piece of pork still on it, raises a handkerchief to her mouth long enough to cough into it, then collapses, choking on her own blood.

_ [on screen, Jane loses 14 health] _

**HARRY:** that’s TB, baby!

**SILNA:** I was going to have you diagnose it, but there’s no need for that now.

**HARRY:** oh. I’m sorry.

**SILNA:** why are you sorry? You’re doing great!

**HARRY:** I thought I was ruining your game.

**SILNA:** yeah, you’re ruining my game by knowing too much in your chosen field and being too good of a historical surgeon. A real tragedy. But you’re right, she does have tuberculosis. 

**HARRY:** if nobody had consumption I was going to be a little suspicious. 

**SILNA:** she gets moved to the sickbay where she is unfortunately still coughing up blood. Her complexion is ghostlike and when she coughs, you can hear this rattling in her lungs without even holding a tube to her chest. She’s also lost a good deal of weight, so she's dying but she also looks _great _.

**HARRY:** very chic, very fashionable.

**SILNA:** you know how all those Rimmel commercials are like _ [dramatic pause] _ “get the London look…”? Well, what if the London look was just-

**HARRY:** it’s just consumption.

**SILNA:** this season’s hot new accessory? Bloody sputum!

**HARRy:** it adds a pop of colour to any ensemble! 

**SILNA:** Anyway, enough cracking wise when your sister’s life is in peril! How are you going to treat your patient?

**HARRY:** all of the cures that doctors recommended until we learned about antibiotics were just ‘go stare at the sea’.

**SILNA:** ‘go get some fresh air’.

**HARRY:** 'um, sweetie, have you tried _ not _ being consumptive?' I do actually need to think about this for a moment. 

**SILNA:** take your time. Do know that if she has active tuberculosis, the rest of the crew could be in danger of infection. Roll to ensure you’ve got a strong quarantine.

**HARRY:** 16\. That’s a pretty strong quarantine.

**SILNA:** wow. I mean, I’m not sure how much it’s going to do considering TB is highly, highly contagious and everyone else is undoubtedly infected by it as well. But maybe it just won’t be active in everyone else, so I’m not going to make you roll for the crew’s general health but I will take a point off just in case.

_ [the rest of the crew lose a point. Graham is at 15, Sophia, James, and Robert are all at 19] _

**HARRY:** since I have no knowledge of germ theory, the best I can do is ensure she’s eating and sleeping a little better than before, I’ll try and keep my workstation and the area around her clean. Oh, and I’ll wash my hands. And I’ll see if there’s any other condition that weakened her immune system enough to let tuberculosis thrive. I could _ try _ to bleed her if I really wanted to...

**SILNA:** hasn’t she lost enough blood already?

**HARRY:** but I’m not going to! Is how I was going to finish that sentence. 

**SILNA:** I’d like you to make two medical checks. The first to see how effective your treatment is—

**HARRY: **eight.

_ [Jane loses one more health point] _

**SILNA:** Not bad, could have been worse. 

**HARRY:** could have been a lot better. 

**SILNA:** one more medical check, please. This will be to see if there’s anything else wrong with her.

**HARRY:** oh no. Three.

**SILNA:** oh no. Well, I’m sorry to tell you but maybe you’re having an off day, maybe _ you’re _ feeling a little under the weather yourself but Harry, you don’t see a single thing. You just sort of look at her, go ‘yep, that’s consumption’ and go to bed. 

**HARRY:** I’m great at this whole doctor thing. 

**SILNA:** look out Hippocrates! In your _ dreams _, Robert Koch! I should just give you my medical license! 

**HARRY:** how’s Jane doing? How is she?

**SILNA:** well, unfortunately, and I’m sorry to say this—

_ [on screen, Jane’s health bar is rapidly depleting] _

**HARRY:** no. 

**SILNA:** I don’t know how to tell you this…

**HARRY:** Silna, please. 

**SILNA:** because you can’t bend time and reality to discovery germ theory and antibiotics far before their time….

**HARRY:** I tried so hard! I made sure she was feeling better and quarantined her from the rest of the crew!

**SILNA:** that is not enough when you’re trapped in the Arctic circle. The harsh conditions do nothing to aid in recovery.

**HARRY:** please. Let me roll again, I’m begging you.

**SILNA:** I can’t _ do _ anything, Harry! Unfortunately, you don’t have the luck, or the ability to save her, and Jane passes quietly in her sleep.

_ [Jane’s health bar flashes red before draining completely] _

**AUDIENCE:** noooo!

**SILNA:** Would you rather she’d choked to death on her own bloody sputum or infected the remainder of the crew?

_ [one very distressed ‘no!’ from the audience] _

This is the best death I can give her. You bury her the next morning, Captain Fitzjames gives a very moving sermon at the funeral, and you and Robert share touching stories from your childhood. 

**HARRY:** _[slightly muffled on account of being facedown on the table]_ I’m gonna get disowned! We didn’t even get to use her special knowledge of edible plants!

**SILNA:** I’m sure Jane will forgive you for letting her die of consumption in our silly podcast game.

**HARRY:** you don’t know that.

######  _ HEALTH STATS: _

  * **Graham: **15
  * **Jane:** DEAD
  * **Robert:** 19
  * **Sophia**: 19
  * **James:** 19

###  _ROUND 3: _Robert Goodsir

**SILNA:** cheer up, you’ve got another sibling you can save to make up for her loss.

**HARRY:** oh god. What if I kill Bob, too? Then I’m definitely going to be disowned.

**SILNA:** well, my first word of advice is to have a little more self-confidence.

**HARRY:** is that what you tell yourself before you do life-saving surgery? That it’ll go okay if you just think positive thoughts like an 18-year-old with an ‘I refuse to sink’ anchor tattoo? You just live like that?

**SILNA:** cheeky!

**HARRY: **Anyway, what dumb thing has Bob gotten up to?

**SILNA:** I don’t know. You have to roll the dice.

**HARRY:** seventeen.

**SILNA:** okay cool, roll again.

**HARRY:** eleven.

_ [Silna consults the sheets in front of her then pauses] _

**SILNA:** would you like to roll to see if there’s any possibility of getting out of the ice before winter hits?

**HARRY:** what month is it in-game? I don’t want to roll only for it to be the middle of winter.

**SILNA:** it’s October, but I’ll still let you try.

**HARRY:** _[with a sigh of intense disappointment]_ we’re not going anywhere.

**SILNA:** not with that natural 1 you aren’t.

_ [an ‘oof’ from the audience] _

Natural 1s aside, uh, everyone is still alive and generally healthy. It’s almost winter and before the sun goes down for a few months, you send a party to leave a message in a cairn over on Devon Island. The party will cross the frozen Barrow Strait then travel inland to reach it. You’re lucky that you are stranded in an area frequented by polar explorers, so there is a chance that you could be rescued sometime in the future. Or, if you do get stuck forever, there will be some record of your existence so that you do not simply vanish into history. Robert is part of the party sent to the cairn.

**HARRY:** we sent the _ carpenter _?

**SILNA:** you aren’t using him, and he’s one of the heartiest crewmembers.

**HARRY:** so of course something horrid will happen to him.

**SILNA:** naturally. The day after the party leaves, the sky darkens and unloads a _ massive _ dumping of snow on you. The winds are howling, blowing anyone who’s above decks into the sides. There isn’t hail yet, but that’s only a matter of time. You hope that the cairn party is safe where they are, that maybe they managed to avoid the worst of the storm if they’re slightly inland…

**HARRY:** they didn’t.

**SILNA:** they absolutely didn’t but in-universe you still have hope. Several days pass before the storm finally clears enough for the cairn party to return. The good news is that they did manage to leave a message and also found a few tins of food left by the last people to use the cairn. The bad news is that while everyone else was alright, Robert was separated from the party during the blizzard and was exposed to the elements for several hours. Because they found him quick enough and because he had the sense to dig himself in and cover any exposed skin, he’s in relatively good condition. You gather the party inside and take everyone into the sickbay. Robert, is naturally, doing the worst. While he managed to cover most of his exposed skin, and the party tried to keep him warm after they found him, he was out in a blizzard for a long time and his skin has taken on a waxy texture.

_ [Robert’s health bar drops nine points] _

**HARRY:** frostbite, easy.

**SILNA:** is frostbite ever easy?

**HARRY:** easy to diagnose, I mean.

**SILNA:** but is it easy to treat? Note that he also would have a nasty case of hypothermia, but seeing as you didn’t roll it I’m going to assume that it got treated no problem.

**HARRY:** I want to warm him up by pouring warm but not _ hot _ water over the areas that were especially affected. And I don’t want to rub or pop any blisters because that would make things worse.

**SILNA:** that’s pretty hard to mess up, so I’m not going to make you roll for anything. As you’re investigating the extent of the frostbite you see that the sole of his left boot has become detached from the rest of it and the stocking foot inside is thick with ice. It’s quite heavy and appears almost solid frozen through.

**HARRY:** can I take off the boot and sock without hurting him?

**SILNA:** you can remove the boot but I’d recommend leaving the sock on until you’re able to detach it.

**HARRY: **yikes. 

**SILNA:** you manage to get the boot off and defrost his foot until you can properly assess the damage...Listeners, Harry is fully _ recoiling _in his seat. He is trying to fold himself in half. Why are you doing this? How is this worse than Jane’s bloody sputum?

**HARRY:** _[winces]_ I think because I’ve seen very bad frostbite and can picture it well enough. I know in _theory_ what tuberculosis looks like. I mean, I’ve seen movies. 

**SILNA:** you’ve seen movies?

**HARRY:** _[laughs]_ yeah I have in fact seen a talking picture or two in my time.

**SILNA:** thank goodness, I wasn’t sure if they had movies over in Scotland yet.

**HARRY:** I’ve seen movies where people have keeled over from TB, and I’ve read accounts of people who have gotten attacked by wild animals and lived. But frostbite is a much more tangible thing for me.

**SILNA:** so you get the boot off, and you very, _ very _ carefully take the sock off and, let me tell you, his foot is not looking great. It’s looking the opposite of great. The skin of his foot is discoloured, a blueish-grey. It’s still frozen and he’ll have trouble moving it for a few days but as for his toes...

**HARRY:** how many is he going to lose?

**SILNA:** all of them. The flesh has gone necrotic, and if you don’t amputate, those toes are going to amputate themselves in a matter of weeks because they’re dead all the way down to the nerves.

**HARRY:** fetch me the toe snippers! Listeners, if you remember from _ Goodsir 7 _, and I’ll forgive you if you don’t because there was a lot going on there, whenever one of us was hurt and crying, our dad’s default response was “time to amputate”, which is very alarming when it’s coming from an actual doctor.

**SILNA:** papercut?

**HARRY:** time to amputate.

**SILNA:** skinned knee?

**HARRY:** time to amputate.

**SILNA:** your toes went necrotic after being trapped in a blizzard?

**HARRY:** we have no choice but to amputate. I don’t really need to dull the senses because the tissue is already dead, so it isn’t as though he’ll feel it.

**SILNA:** you could just break ‘em off if you wanted to.

**HARRY:** well I don’t. I’m a medical professional, you see.

**SILNA:** right. My sincerest apologies. You snip off the toes, he’s probably a little delirious from the experience. 

**HARRY:** staunch any blood, apply bandages and keep watch for the immediate future in case he develops gangrene or tetanus.

**SILNA:** that all sounds good to me! Roll to check recovery

**HARRY:** eighteen.

_ [Robert regains 6 points of health] _

**SILNA:** good job! He’s recovering really well. He’s not happy, but after a while he can put weight on that foot again and is learning to walk without the balance of his toes. That one mostly came down to luck with rolling. If you’d rolled any higher at the start I would have thrown in snow blindness as well. Or had it so you needed to amputate the entire foot.

**HARRY:** what an awful two-for-one deal. Also, a general tip if you’re going to be around any type of intense UV light please make sure you protect your eyes. You really don’t want to sunburn your corneas. I can’t speak from experience but I imagine that it’s incredibly painful and would have undoubtedly been worse back in the 1840s. You know what was also undoubtedly worse back in the 1840s?

**SILNA: **what?

**HARRY:** cooking. You slave all day over a hot stove for food that’s probably filled with lead and drink contaminated water that’s going to give your entire family cholera, there are so many mouths to feed and you’re on a tight budget with your earnings from the linen factory which is doesn’t help your consumption and means you’re most assuredly infecting your family. But now with services such as Blue Apron, modern cooking is practically hassle-free. Blue Apron makes cooking simple and fun with easy to make, great-tasting, and healthy meals shipped right to your door—

**SILNA:** wait WHAT? What is happening!

**HARRY:** I’m kidding, we are not sponsored by or affiliated with Blue Apron in any way, shape, or form, that was just me trying to make a joke.

**SILNA:** Oh my god I genuinely did not realize you were doing a bit. I thought that we were actually sponsored by Blue Apron and somehow didn’t know about it! My heart rate just spiked!

**HARRY:** no, that was just my bad attempt at humour and trying to segue into a break.

**SILNA:** I didn’t think it was bad. If anything it was too convincing.

**HARRY:** We wouldn’t be eligible for a Blue Apron sponsorship, anyway.

**SILNA:** what? Why?

**HARRY:** oh, they’re American only.

**SILNA:** that makes sense I suppose.

**HARRY:** what did you think was the reason for Blue Apron not being able to sponsor us?

**SILNA:** I don’t know, man. Maybe they have some clause saying pediatric surgeons and biologists slash medical historians living in Iqaluit aren’t eligible for sponsorships! Maybe they refuse to work with men with more than one middle name! Maybe you can’t get a box if you never learned how to parallel park! I thought maybe you’ve been covering up a murder or high treason and Blue Apron knew about it and that’s why they couldn’t sponsor us.

_ [pause] _

**HARRY:** and with that, we’re going to take a quick break so everyone can get up and stretch your legs or get something to drink.

**SILNA:** sounds like you’re dodging the question of high treason.

######  _ HEALTH STATS: _

  * **Graham:** 15
  * **Jane:** DEAD
  * **Robert:** 14
  * **Sophia:** 19
  * **James:** 19

_ [INTRO MUSIC FADES INTO MIDROLL] _

###  _ MIDROLL _

**SILNA:** so, recommendation corner. 

**HARRY:** recommendation corner! This is my favourite part of the show.

**SILNA: **your favourite part of the show is the one part where we don’t discuss the actual topic of the show?

**HARRY:** _[sputters] _I didn’t mean it like that! I like sharing things I’m enjoying and I like hearing what other people enjoy. Do you want to go first, or should I?

**SILNA:** you can go first since it’s your favourite part.

**HARRY:** alright. My recommendation is [ _ The Radium Girls: The Dark Story of America’s Shining Women _ ](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/31409135-the-radium-girls) by Kate Moore. It’s about, as you may have guessed, the radium girls. Back from around 1917 to about the 30’s, radium was used to paint the numbers on watch faces, for soldiers on the homefront. Young women, as young as fourteen in some cases, were told to stick the tips of radium-covered brushes in their mouths to improve their paintings and unsurprisingly this lead to these women coming down with radium poisoning and eventually getting into a long, arduous legal battle with several radium companies. As you may be able to tell, this is actually a reread for me, or, rather, a relisten because I’m listening to the audiobook. It’s a tremendous read if you can handle it. Big, big warning for body horror and medical abuse if you’re interested.

**SILNA:** I cried for several hours after finishing it, if I’m being honest.

**HARRY:** I think we should do a special episode on the radium girls in the future.

**SILNA:** I’d like that. My recommendation this week is [ _ Columbus _ ](https://letterboxd.com/film/columbus-2017/) which is the 2017 debut film of video essayist Kogonada. It is about John Cho being sad about and around modernist architecture in middle America. That is it, that is the most apt way to describe it. It’s about architecture and having a weird relationship with your parents and it’s _ incredible _. I’m not a person who understands film on a technical level beyond listening to people more skilled than me talk about it, but the way things are shot is really fascinating, and the central relationship isn’t what you would expect. It’s just really, really good.

**HARRY:** we hope you’re enjoying the show so far! If you’re not, I’m sorry. This is actually really hard to record when I have no idea what the episode is going to end up being but I’m just projecting that it’ll be a disaster in some capacity. 

**SILNA:** it’ll definitely be a disaster in some capacity but I hope you’ll have fun. Back to the show! 

_ [MIDROLL FADES INTO INTO MUSIC] _

###  _ROUND 4: _Sophia Cracroft

**SILNA:** we’re back! And just in time because you’ve still got two more crew members to save.

**HARRY:** who is it now?

**SILNA:** roll first and I’ll tell you what’s wrong.

**HARRY: **ten and, erm, four. 

**SILNA:** Something, it appears, is wrong with Sophia

**HARRY:** aww, Sophia…

**SILNA:** she’s been getting these awful headaches as of late to the point where she’s unable to work. Though, you’re still on the ice, so there isn’t much by way of harpooning for her to do.

**HARRY:** are we _ ever _ going to get out of this ice?

**SILNA:** try rolling better and we’ll see. Anyway, she’s getting debilitating headaches and confesses that not only are they interfering with her ability to function as a human being, but they’re also doing something to her brain. It’s not entirely healthy up there. But that’s not to say that her head is the only part of her body that’s having a rough go of it. Oh no. She tells you that her joints have this pain in them that’s unlike anything she’s ever experienced and compares it to being filled with broken glass.

_ [Sophia’s health drops 16 points] _

**HARRY:** I’m sorry to interrupt but what the _hell _.

**SILNA:** I’ll admit that this one may be kind of tricky. Her joints feel like broken glass but the worst are her knees and ankles, because they have to hold her up. Every step she takes is agony. In a quiet voice that she tells you she’s talked to one or two others and they’ve experienced similar symptoms though far less severe than hers.

**HARRY:** gonna be honest, I have no idea what this is.

**SILNA:** so, you tell her this, because you believe in being upfront about your own shortcomings and from her pocket she pulls out a handkerchief filled with what appear to be tiny slivers of metal. She’s been picking them out of her food for over a year now and thought it was just a side effect of the canning process—newly developed, I might add—but now thinks that surely this cannot be right. As you look at the shavings, you realise that you’ve held similar metal between your teeth but, like her, wrote them off as a side effect of innovation. Do you have any idea what this could be?

**HARRY:** …..lead poisoning?

**SILNA:** it is indeed.

**HARRY:** I’ve no idea how to treat this long-term. 

**SILNA:** it’s a tricky one. There isn’t really a simple long-term solution. What are you going to do to prevent it from worsening?

**HARRY:** tell the captain what’s going on.

**SILNA:** so you talk to James and he’s all “roight chaps wot’s awl this then”

**HARRY:** _[snorts]_ the likeness is uncanny

**SILNA:** he agrees that this is bad and orders the cook and some other NPCs to go through the remnants of your tinned food and pick out anything which has gone bad or appears to be oversaturated with lead. I don’t quite have an in-universe explanation for this one aside from some incorrectly sealed tins. I am an expert on many things but not early Victorian canning processes. You clean out all the poisoned food, what next?

**HARRY:** for Sophia’s headaches I can mix up a powder or a plaster and readminister as necessary in addition to recommending bedrest. But a good starting place would probably be opium. Your migraine can’t bother you if you’re completely blacked out for days on end. I do feel bad about this from an ethical 21st century standpoint.

**SILNA:** Sophia messages you nowadays asking if you know of any headache remedies since nothing is working and you tell her she should do opium to feel better.

**HARRY:** if I were an early-to-mid Victorian suffering from excruciating pain, that would sound pretty good to me.

**SILNA:** it sounds helpful to me. Roll to check her recovery.

_ [he does, it’s an 11] _

So slight improvement—and if you had rolled a twenty I have no idea what I would have done because it’s not easy to reverse lead poisoning—but she’s not getting any worse. I’ll give her back one more health point for not eating more poison. That’s about as much as you can ask for, given the circumstances. Unfortunately, seeing as how everyone has been eating the tinned food, the whole crew loses a few health points.

_ [Everyone else drops 4 points. Sophia regains one point in recovery.] _

**HARRY:** did your dad ever tell you not to draw on your skin with pencil because you’ll get lead poisoning?

**SILNA:** no, but he told me that if I drew on my skin with any sort of ink I’d contract ink poisoning and die.

**HARRY:** ink poisoning is real, at least.

**SILNA:** yes you can’t get it from drawing on your skin or even ingesting it unless you’re, like, chugging a bottle of India ink in which case there are much bigger problems at stake. Did your school have lead paint too?

**HARRY:** ah, lead paint. Schoolyard memories. Did your school also have an asbestos problem?

**SILNA:** my school had a lot of problems owing to lack of funding and care. Asbestos was maybe #4. But enough about how the Canadian government’s education funding and priorities are and have been historically skewed, and onto your final patient.

######  _ HEALTH STATS _

  * **Graham:** 11
  * **Jane:** DEAD
  * **Robert:** 10
  * **Sophia:** 4
  * **James:** 18

###  _ROUND 5: _JAMES FITZJAMES

**HARRY:** James….What happens if our captain dies? What will become of the Whaleship _ Quacks _if there is nobody to lead us?

**SILNA:** if James dies, or if he lives, it’s game over because I wrote no more material and also this episode has gone on long enough.

**HARRY:** I suppose that’s fair. _ [dejected sigh]. _What’s happened to James? 

**SILNA:** I can see how enthused you are about this game, you’re really making me feel better about my GM abilities.

**HARRY:** oh no, you’re doing fine! I’m having a wonderful time and this is really fun. Are the rest of you having fun?

_ [audience cheering] _

See, you’re doing great!

**SILNA:** I was trying to gently poke fun at you, but thank you for your support, dear.

**HARRY:** so what we’ve learned from today is that neither of us are ever funny on purpose. Also, I wasn’t sighing because I was bored. I was sighing because I know the sort of things that happen to _ our _ James even when he’s supervised. I worry for fictional James who has no control over his actions.

**SILNA:** then you’ll be pleased to know that he didn’t do anything rash.

**HARRY:** how uncharacteristic.

**SILNA:** please roll.

**HARRY:** one, and...five. Dear lord what is happening to me. 

**SILNA:** Since the revelation that your food has been slowly poisoning you since you left home, your remaining crew have been meticulously going through your food stores to see what provisions you have left. The results are...grim. The safest rations you have left are around a hundred pounds of chocolate, a hundred pounds of tea, some grog, the last dregs of your salted pork, and a miscellany of salted/cured game that you’ve caught since you’ve been snowed in. The crew have continued taking their lemon juice, despite the fact that after such a long time, it has lost most, if not, all of its antiscorbutic properties.

**HARRY:** _[softly]_ oh.

**SILNA:** as for fresh game, you’ve seen very little of it in the past months. There have been a few seals and the occasional hare, a bear cub or two, maybe a fox but never enough for decent-sized portions for everyone. You are desperately lacking in nutrients but are not quite starving, _ yet _. To your knowledge, Beechey is uninhabited and you’d have to make quite the journey to even chance at human contact, not factoring in any of the variables that come with it. So, like, no pressure.

**HARRY:** I think I know what the last affliction is going to be, but lay it on me.

**SILNA:** after dinner one night, Captain Fitzjames takes you aside and asks to accompany you back to the sickbay. You comply, and when you have reached your destination, he removes his cap to reveal blood on his hairline. The bleeding, he tells you, is not contained to his scalp. Rather his teeth are loose and his gums are bloody; he bruises easy, even when he doesn’t remember knocking into anything, and doesn’t heal. You’ve seen other signs of this disease among the crew, as is unsurprising considering the nature of your voyage, but James’ case seems to be...advanced. Doctor Goodsir, what is your professional opinion?

_ [James’ health drops down 15 points] _

**HARRY:** well, I know what it is.

**SILNA:** it’s a bit of an easy one. It had to come up eventually.

**HARRY:** it’s a classic! Having a long sea voyage would feel incomplete without it. But I want to see if the audience can guess.

**SILNA:** oooh that’s a great idea. After all, they’ve got quite a lot of medical history knowledge themselves. Okay, on three. One…

**HARRY:** two…

**HARRY & SILNA:** three!

**AUDIENCE:** SCURVY!!

**SILNA:** yes! It is scurvy! Nobody is getting any vitamin C and it is scurvy’s time to shine.

**HARRY:** _[with dawning horror_] wait...Oh no. Can I ask you a question...

**SILNA:** yes?

**HARRY:** how much does our reality affect the game’s reality?

**SILNA:** please be less vague with your questions.

**HARRY:** if real-life James Fitzjames has a longstanding injury, can the same be said of in-universe James Fitzjames.

**SILNA:** you’re asking me if, in the context of this game, James Fitzjames canonically got shot—by accident—during his gap year in Zhenjiang.

_ [a mix of horror and conflicted amusement from the audience] _

**HARRY:** attacked by a cheetah at a bachelor party.

**SILNA:** got malaria twice.

**HARRY:** broke his leg then walked across a desert in between getting malaria.

_ [increasing audience horror and hysteria] _

**SILNA:** Oh my god, do people not know of the rich and intricate James Fitzjames lore?

**HARRY:** I think the rundown of James’ greatest medical mishaps is episode 99 of _ The James and Dundy Cast _ if you want more details than we’re giving.

**SILNA:** but, to answer your question, yes. I am operating under the assumption that in-universe, James has a badly-healed gunshot wound.

**HARRY:** _[in a loving impression of the man himself]_ it’s quite similar to the shot that killed Nelson at Trafalgar did you know that? 

**SILNA:** although, I will say that in this case, I don’t think it would have been during a gap year.

**HARRY:** I think the 19th-century equivalent would be getting shot in a duel during his grand tour.

**SILNA:** he _ would _ get into a duel, you’re so right. Anyway, that’s why his case is advanced.

**HARRY:** because scurvy has a nasty habit of reopening old wounds, even years after they’ve been healed. 

**SILNA:** it’s very metaphorical.

**HARRY:** in this case, it’s also literal. I’d assume his body is rotting from the inside.

**SILNA:** oh, believe me, it is, and it _ stinks _. Also, speaking of old wounds, scurvy doesn’t just affect one person so you’ve got to roll for the rest of your crew. This is your last ailment and considering nobody is doing too well, these rolls will determine who lives and dies. If it’s under five you’re dead. You’ll roll for James’ fate afterwards.

######  _ HEALTH STATS: _

  * **Graham**: 11
  * **Jane:** DEAD
  * **Robert:** 10 
  * **Sophia:** 4
  * **James:** 3

**HARRY:** do you want me to roll for everyone individually or will it be one roll that applies to everyone.

**SILNA:** let’s make it individual rolls so you don’t Nat1 your way to killing everyone else.

**HARRY:** two, eleven, seventeen. If we’re going in order, that means… _ [stunned] _ that means.... 

**SILNA:** it means you killed Graham.

_ [on the screen, Sophia regains ten health, Robert drops one, and Graham’s health bar flashes red then drains] _

**HARRY:** _[absolute anguish]_ after everything he’s done for us?

**SILNA:** you did a great job making sure he survived the bear attack earlier, so that’s a point in your favour. Unfortunately scurvy doesn’t care how good your sewing skills are, and that’s an awfully nasty wound to reopen. If it makes you feel better, you tried really hard to keep him alive but eventually it was just too much and he passed in the night.

**HARRY:** goodnight sweet prince.

**SILNA:** too good for this sinful world

**HARRY:** Graham’s never going to talk to us again. 

**SILNA:** he’s the one you should worry about disowning us.

**HARRY:** Graham, I am SO sorry. 

**SILNA:** do you want to hear about everyone else?

**HARRY:** I suppose I have to.

**SILNA:** Robert’s hanging in there. You rolled an eleven there so there isn’t a whole lot of change for better or for worse. While his foot has gangrene, scurvy keeps making the ends of his amputated toes open up. You could take the rest of the foot if you knew the chance of survival was there, but you don’t so I can’t recommend that in good faith.

**HARRY:** I wasn’t going to solve that problem with more amputation anyway. 

**SILNA: ** I’m glad. In better news, Sophia’s doing _ great _ all things considered. She’s not doing so hot with the lead poisoning but has passed the point of being inconvenienced by it and now just seems angry. And this is good news for the rest of you because, as you will recall, she is a harpooner. Though you’re still on the ice and there are no whales to harpoon, winter is melting into spring, and with that, some game returns. There’s more you’ve seen since you got frozen in nearly two years ago, and Sophia has excellent aim. Her joints still hurt a whole lot but she manages to take down a few cranes to put in a stew and get some fresh meat in everyone’s bellies.

**HARRY:** every day I wake up and I thank god for Sophia Cracroft.

**SILNA:** that’s probably what the crew is saying too because everyone gets another health point. Now as for your intrepid captain, roll once more to decide his fate. 

**HARRY:** I’m just going to say sorry in advance. That’s where we’re at now. 

_ [he rolls. What follows is about a minute of inarticulate screaming] _

NATURAL [BLEEP]ING TWENTY!!

**SILNA:** HOLY [BLEEP]!!

_ [the audience has joined in on the inarticulate screaming. Harry takes a victory lap of the stage. Silna has progressed to inarticulate laughing] _

**HARRY:** tell me about James. Tell me how his rotting body is saved from the brink of death by my medical expertise! I have reversed death! Take that Victor Frankenstein, you poser!

**SILNA:** you bent the laws of reality and used necromancy. It’s just a shame this luck wasn’t around for Jane or Graham. James is on his last legs when it happens. Literally, he’s unable to walk or even stand. Despite this, he's considering giving orders that you all abandon ship and start a desperate search for leads in the ice that will get you out. By now he’s half a corpse and is on the verge of asking you to simply kill him rather than let him continue to suffer.

**HARRY:** good lord.

**SILNA:** luckily you don’t have to deal with the lasting emotional trauma of having to euthanise your friend and captain because two miracles happen. The first is that a hunting party comes back with five seals. There’s enough to give everyone a good meal for the first time in a while. In fact, there’s enough leftovers for several meals! The other miracle is that just as you are considering killing James—

**HARRY:** pillow to the face.

**SILNA:** good lord!

**HARRY:** it’s hands-off and I don’t want to give him an overdose of something I may need in the long run. 

**SILNA:** just as you’re considering smothering James with a pillow as he helplessly scrabbles against you, there’s an enormous crack that echoes throughout the ship. No, it’s not _ Quacks _ finally giving up and collapsing under pressure, rather it’s the ice melting! It cracks all at once like some sort of divine intervention, and with that, your ship is freed from two years of frozen torment. Spring truly has come and you’ll be able to sail home with no trouble. 

_ [audience cheering] _

And that concludes our game.

_ [more audience cheering] _

That went a lot better than I thought it was going to go. The game itself, not your rolling. You saved 3 out of your 5 crew members, nobody is so dangerously low on health that they won’t at least make it to Greenland, and the ship is in one piece.

**HARRY:** I did let Jane and Graham die.

**SILNA:** you did, but their deaths weren’t too bad. Graham could have died from getting mauled by a bear.

**HARRY:** and instead he _ survived _ that and died from lack of oranges.

**SILNA:** believe me, there were far worse ways to die in this game. Would you like to see the whole list?

**HARRY:** yes but I’m also a little scared. 

**SILNA: ** okay, hang on. _ [she clicks a few things and a text box appears on the screen] _ could you kindly read this out?

**HARRY:** I’m not sure I want to but: zinc deficiency, pneumonia, drowning—in parentheses ‘fell through the ice’, in square brackets, and I quote “terminal thiccness”, yes that is with two c’s, hypothermia, syphilis, gangrene, amputation, burned, crushed by heavy rocks, comatose, got ‘The Morbs’, accidental overdose, internal bleeding following head trauma, infected wound, aaaand botulism.

**SILNA:** and here are some of the ailments that I vetoed: skull ripped open—

**HARRY:** what would even be the context for that!

**SILNA:** _[overlapping]_ exposure, starvation, blood loss following lashing, blood loss after being stabbed by a fellow crew member, harpooning accident, fell from a great height 

**HARRY: **you kept ‘mauled by a bear’ but didn’t include exposure? 

**SILNA:** we have to have fun once in a while. Exposure’s a little pedestrian.

**HARRY:** I’m in the emotional state where I can accept that. This was very fun, uh, sorry if you’re listening to this and I accidentally let you die in the Arctic. I hope this was fun for everyone.

**SILNA:** I don’t think it was fun for Jane. Or Graham. Or James. Or Robert. Or Sophia.

**HARRY:** James made a miraculous recovery, he’s having the time of his life. That was one of the most stressful experiences of _my_ life but I had fun, did you have fun?

**SILNA:** I had a lot of fun. Did everyone else have fun?

_ [Audience cheering] _

That’s good. I’m glad. I’m glad this didn’t crash and burn. Uhhh...I devoted so much of my brainspace to pulling off this game successfully that I appear to have forgotten what our outro is. This is not a joke, this is real life and it’s happening to me right now.

**HARRY:** You did good, kid. Thanks for sticking with us. If you play a version of this game with your loved ones and end up killing them in the Arctic, please tweet at us @quackspod. Game sheets will be available at [quackspodcast.com](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ). Merch is available at [quackspodcast.com/merch](https://www.stjude.org/get-involved/other-ways/online-card-message-patients.html) in case you want an ‘I am also Dr. Goodsir’ name tag or a sticker of Tuunbaq with a knife telling you to wash your hands. Episode transcripts including this one are at [quackspodcast.com/transcripts](https://theanimalrescuesite.greatergood.com/clicktogive/ars/home). Our personal twitters are @GoodsirMD and @GoodsirPhD. Our beautiful logo and all the art for this episode was done by Graham Gore who is @ggoreart on twitter—

**SILNA:** please _ don’t _ inform him of his fate until after the episode drops, I want to keep this a secret.

**HARRY:** but he knew it was a possibility right?

**SILNA:** he knew he could die, I don’t think he considered dying after the wound he got from being mauled by a bear reopened due to scurvy. Our theme music is by me. We love you and make good choices.

**HARRY:** imagine that!

_ [Audience applause. Fade into theme music into silence] _

######  _ FINAL HEALTH STATS: _

  * **Graham:** DEAD
  * **Jane:** DEAD
  * **Robert:** 13
  * **Sophia:** 14
  * **James:** 18

* * *

> **Quacks Podcast!** retweeted  
**graham** 🌠@ggoreart  
AFTER EVERYTHING I’VE DONE FOR YOU!!!! @QuacksPod 
> 
> **Quacks Podcast! retweeted  
** **Jane Goodsir** @janegoodsir  
:( @GoodsirPhD
> 
> **Quacks Podcast! **retweeted  
**shot thru the jart **@jartnell  
answer for your crimes @QuacksPod
> 
> _ [**i**_**_mage description:_ ** _ a screencap of Charlie Kelly from _ It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia _ sitting on Santa’s lap and saying “Did you fuck my fucking mom? Did you fuck my mom, Santa?” only the text has been edited to say “did you kill my fucking boyfriend? Did you kill my boyfriend, Doctors Goodsir?”] _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm going to be honest and say that first of all i am not in any way knowledgable about medical history, so there may be a few goofs (if you find any, please tell me and i'll adjust accordingly), and second i didn't do a whole lot of concrete factual research because this is supposed to be fun. i listened to a few episodes of sawbones + this podcast will kill you, and read a little bit on victorian medicine but not a lot. 
> 
> i genuinely did think as i was writing this that robert de niro was in rocky (a movie i have not yet) until i googled it and realised that he was in raging bull (another movie i have not seen) and it's sylvester stallone in rocky. the more you know.


End file.
